My work

Tell me, what is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life?”

Mary Oliver (American poet)

 Art.

Art is where to start.

I am currently studying art at staffordshire university, where i am a second year student.

My studio practice is based on the relationship with my estranged father.

This is from a previous personal blog I have written, I hope it gives some insight into the relationship that I have with my dad:

Summer 2007.

 

God.
I’m in Australia having a loverly jubbly time, when I check my e-mail one day and who has messaged me, non other than the absent parental. Joseph Mcaleer.

For those of you who don’t come from a broken home, or do but your rents are still friends this is really hard to understand, but my dad lives in new Zealand, so if I’ve travelled all the way around the world to Australia I may as well go and see him its only another 4hours or so … I see the point.

But really it’s not that easy.

My dad is a BAD man, you now those ones your not supposed to take sweeties from or speak to, that’s him* so just before I left stoke at the beginning of the summer, he phoned me and said your going to Australia, you should come to New Zealand I’ll pay for you etc, etc , and my reaction was no.
why should I he means nothing to me.
so I told him, sorry I’m really busy, don’t think ill have time.I got a message back saying I’m disappointed but maybe next time.

Yeah he really fought for it.

So I came to Oz, and am having a really good time, when , as usual, my conscious was like, Siobhan, he’s your dad, Siobhan when are you going to get this chance again, blah, blah blah, if I was a psychopath I could block out these guilt feelings but I’m not and I couldn’t.

So I kept thinking I should go and see him its only right, I should , but my mum hates him, she really hates him and with good reason.
so I made a compromise with myself, if he contacts me in time, and says that he’s going to come here, then I cant stop him can I ?

But as usual he didn’t he knew I was here for three months and not a peep until the last week before I come home!

So I feel so guilty etc but I’m so angry with him.
He thinks the reason I haven’t been to see him is because my mum has told me I can’t. Well she didn’t, she just made it clear, she would strongly prefer if didn’t.

When he e-mailed me I told my mum and ended up having a huge row with her, that didn’t want to have. and every time he’s brought up, I learn something else I don’t want to know, about how he cheated on her, about how he beat her, et c etc more detail every time, you know.
I feel fucking dreadful because I love my mum infinitely more than my dad.

But.

(There’s always a but)

He may be what he is … but he’s my dad.

I’m part of him. I’m made form him. I have his name.

Therefore I can’t help loving him, because only your dad can give you that love – I think.
unless you have a step dad, who has been there since you were tiny.

my mum is married to a man who I know ultimately would be there for me.
but he’s not my dad although he does try to treat me like a daughter, sometimes I just feel like excess baggage though.
I don’t know.

I’m furious, but sad.

I hate feeling like this because there are never any real answers to these questions.
as if I have to make a decision myself.

maybe its just part of growing up.

god.

I wish I was a kid again

 

 this is a photogrpah of me and my dad.

Aren’t we cute?! The text above the image refers to something else entirely though. My grandma margaret (my dads mum) died about 5 yeards ago. I’d never seen my dad cry before then, not that i remember anyway.

So he was crying, my brother Jospeh was crying and I was also crying. My dad picked me up and put me on his knee and hugged me.

I dont know how to explain that feeling. It was as if id never been hugged before, and i remember thinking this is why i miss you. My mum and i are pretty much the same height and weight so she physically cant embrace me the same way.

my dad the big strong giant.

 

~ by siobhang on April 21, 2008.